123 and counting

so i ended up switching computers to vista...it sucks.  but that's why i haven't posted lately.  eather way I'm forced to used this website again.  i feared that i was going back to me old ana and mia ways to quickly but looking at the scale I've found that to be wrong.  I'm at my highest weight in almost 2 years...its depressing.  especially now that its summer time.  I'm in college, I'm single, and i wanna look hot.  i was hot...though i was living on my own and was in a relationship.
why is it that when I'm in a relationship i can maintain my weight easier?

1


2


3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12
FAV OF THE DAY!



more to come

rec if ya like !_!

k so...

i know people prolly won't care...why should they? no one really knows me.  this is where i will rant and rant till i'm finally able to cry.  i need so desperatly to cry.  or cut....but i just want to cry.  how badly i want things to go back to the way they once were.  how badly i want be be dumb and nieve and to get away with it.  how badly i want him back.  if it meant ruining everything i've worked for i'd do it.  but i know it won't make him want me again.  nothing will.  i'm wrakcing my brain out trying to figure out what could reverse things to erase the past.  its not possible.  but is it possible for me to move on?  i honestly don't know.  looks like i have no choice but to try again with moving on.  give it more time.  longest i've gone is a pathetic 2 weeks.  that could be what was wrong with "us"  but i can't help it.  i can't help how i feel, i try not to react to it.  try not to talk to him but still feel connected.  i'm suppost to be up to watch my niece in three hours but i know i will lay in bed and fantisize about him wraping his arms around me like he used to and telling me he loves me...will i ever hear that again?? been almost 7 month since i've heard it and every passing month it dose not get easier.  YAY i'm finally crying.  maby i can get thin enough to sneak into the room and be with him without him even seen me.   i want to just be invisible. eather in die so i don't have to feel this pain. feel this guilt.  or be invisible..always next to him watching over him....i'll be his guarding angle.  i know i sound fucking up prolly even creepy but i let him be a part of me.  i miss myself.  when your split in half you wonder if death is better. 

more random thinspo+100

 so i started taking these one green tea pills and started losing wieght then i got lazy and stoped taking them.  i'm now at my highest wieght in a very long time. 121.6lb i think alot of it has to do with lack of caring anymore due to depression.  oh well hopefully when it gets nicer outside and i have to start wearing summer clothes i'll get motivated again.  in the mean time thinpo rocks.

random:

1

2

3 

4 

5 

6 

7 

8 

9

10 

11 

12 

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

31

32

33

34

35

36

37

38

39

40

41

42

43

44

45

46

47

48

49

50

51

52

53

54

55

56

57

58

59

60

61

62

63

64

65

66

67

68

69

70

71

72

73

74

75

76

77

78

79

80

81

82

83

84

85

86

87

88

89

90

91

92

93

94

95

96

97

98

99

rec if you like !_!

bored- thinspo coming soon

survey stolen from  xfriendlythinspox  post

Age: 19
Height: 4'11.5". 

Weight: last wieght in =117.6

Dress Size: 3?
Highest Weight: 168 lbs
Lowest Weight: 97 lbs
Goal Weight: 100 lbsfor now

Favorite Diet Food:
stawberries

Favorite Binge Food:
god everything....chips and cheese, crackers. fast food

Favorite Exercise:
Dancing, elliptical, snowboarding

Favorite Thinspo:
Realgirl

Where Do You Slip Up?
at night in my bed watching tv

When Did It Start?
when i realized that no guy will give me the time of day while i'm huge.  i kept going out with the only losers that showed me attention and it made me hate myself more. so i started doing something bout it when i was like 14-15

Does Anyone Know?
my roomate and my ex who dosent like to admit he knows.

Do You Want Help?
there is no help the only problem is i'm stil over wieght

How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day?
varies alot.  between 300-1200

What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror?
lack of hips and cool hair

Are You In A Relationship?
who knows

Are You The Fat Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends?
friends? what that.

Are You Depressed?
more often then not i'll admit

Ever Tried To Commit Suicide?
to many times.  kinda surpirising i'm alive

Ever Been To A Psychologist?
they suck

I AM -
[You be the judge] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[x] living off diet pills
[ ] hungry
[ ] thirsty
[ ] drinking something
[ ] Under 100lbs [Soon! I promise you!]
[ ] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast


PEOPLE -
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[ ] spread rumors about me

[x force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[ ] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic


I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x I didn't have to eat
[x] could control myself
[x I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x feeling hungry
[ ] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking [I HATE that]
[ ] being weak [I also hate this]
[x] losing weight
[ ] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[ ] diet pills
[x being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE
[x] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[x] I have many scars.
[ ] I tan easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different color. [so i dye it]
[x I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/had braces. [When I was younger.]
[x I wear glasses.

[ ]I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free.
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[x] I have freckles. [They're faded.]

FAMILY
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x I've run away from home.
[ ] I've been kicked out of the house.
[x] My biological parents are together.
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.
[ ] I've lost a child.

EMBARRASSMENT
[x] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry.
[ ] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something
[ ] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[x I've had my trousers rip in public.

RELATIONSHIPS
[x] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[ ] I'm married.
[ ]I've gone on a blind date.
[ ]I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment.
[x] I've cheated in a relationship.
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
[x] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[ ] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship.

SEXUALITY
[x] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex.
[x]I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

HONESTY
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world.
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x]I've been suspended from school.

BAD TIMES
[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[x] I regularly drink.
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression.
[x] I shut others out when I'm upset.
[ ]I take anti-depressants.[refuse to]
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[x]I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying

[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.


[ ] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[x] I've lost weight and kept it off (so far, so good!)
[x] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[x] I weigh myself daily

[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[x] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[ ] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[ x I've taken diet pills
[x] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged

[x] I exercise
[ x I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ]I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[x] I've fainted from exhaustion

ive done:
[x] Weed
[x] Cigarettes
[x] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[x] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants (I mean, they were prescribed to me.  Why would you take them recreationally?  They take like 2-4 weeks to work.  If you are abusing anti-depressants recreationally, you are a fucking idiot for putting something in your body that you do not understand without an expert's advice.)
[x] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[] Mushrooms
[x] Speed
[ x Cocaine
[x] Other

[x] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have a ED blog
[x] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites [I suppose I have to since I have one.]

[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days [Every day is a negative intake day]
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food

[x] I want to be this way
[x] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority
[x] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment

[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

kitana

Because she is gorgeous